On Stalking and Being Stalked

Some thoughts and advice on stalking in random order:

The stalker will thrive on any attention you give them. The very moment you realise what is going on, stop all contact immediately.

Do not tell the stalker you are ceasing contact; just cease immediately.

Be meticulous with record-keeping. Make sure you keep every screenshot and label them meaningfully so you can find them later. Keep all written records of contact, all emails, literally everything. Back them up if they are digital. Do not think to yourself, “Oh, I’ll remember that.” BE METICULOUS AND METHODICAL. You don’t know how long this situation is going to go on for, and a court case to take intervention might be years away yet.

People tend to think that stalkers are weird little men who look like stalkers. But often they are successful, attractive, and popular individuals with friends and close family. This is a problem when it comes to how things look to the voyeurs of the situation. Often, they are facilitated by their friends and family when it comes to stalking. Most of these “flying monkeys” have believed the lies and false narratives created by the stalker. Do not try to get these people to understand. Do not contact them, talk to them, or try to win them over to your version of events.

Do not raise awareness of the problem on social media or anywhere on the internet. You must stay utterly silent about it on social media.

Your stalker is likely to accuse you of everything they themselves are doing. They will likely run a smear campaign against you. They will accuse YOU of being the stalker. They may even file a police complaint (or dozens of them), begin litigation against you, and so on. Be patient; you need to play the long game. But, if you fuck it up and start ranting and raving on Facebook, you will validate their smear campaign. Stay silent.

Do not defend yourself against the false allegations and accusations or give explanations. Your friends don’t need them, and your enemies won’t believe them. Ignore the drama addicts who are “just trying to help” whilst they stir the pot for their own amusement and voyeuristic pleasure.

Get a lawyer.

Literally, everything you communicated to the stalker in the pre-stalking phase will be turned, twisted, and used against you. The element of truth in the lies they tell makes it very difficult to make sense of emotionally and to rationalise to other people. Don’t even try either of these things; it’s a waste of time. Accept that this is just what stalkers do.

You must involve the police but need to lower your expectations of how effectively they, and the courts, are able to deal with the problem. It can take years. Be prepared to be in this situation for the long haul. Adjust your thinking and psychology to playing the long game and quit the fantasy of a dramatic and sudden end to it all.

BUY THIS BOOK AND READ IT: “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker.

If your stalker is an ex-partner, contact your local refuge for advice and connect with someone locally who can advise you directly. Surround yourself with experienced individuals in this field. You also need to study narcissism in detail, and I recommend these two YouTube channels for expert advice and guidance:

Be prepared. At the time I was being stalked, acid attacks were fashionable and probably still are. I kept x2 gallon bottles of fresh water in my car along with a complete first aid kit which included major injury wound dressings and an artificial airway.

Keep a large container of fresh water by your front door and by your back door. Obviously, keep all doors locked.

Get a doorbell that has a camera on it so you can see who is there and who visits while you are out.

Inform your neighbours about the situation without going into detail; provide them with a photo if possible.

Inform your employer and request a confidential meeting with HR and, where possible, Occupational Health.

Never answer the phone or open the door unless you know who is there.

Change the privacy setting on your social media and block the stalker and everyone associated with them. Be ruthless and without mercy with that block function. Do not be tempted to be voyeuristic yourself and keep looking at their profiles, updates, and so on.

Men: If you are being stalked, you can be sure you will be accused of rape or sexual misconduct.

Women: If you are being stalked, you can be sure any intimate photos, stories, or details of you will be posted online. Do not draw attention to these things by protesting vehemently your innocence. This only serves to “prove” your guilt to the voyeuristic audience who will claim, “There is no smoke without fire”. It is difficult, but do not offer any public reaction whatsoever.

Do not ask yourself, “What does he want?” The stalker does not want an endpoint or an outcome. If they claim they do, if they demand do X for me, and I’ll leave you alone, it is a manipulation that is not true and is used as leverage for control over your behaviour. They do not seek a conclusion or resolution. Stalking is the thing they do, and they will do it regardless.

Articles from the stalking video series

Read the expanded articles accompanying my five full videos on stalking:

• Stalking and the Problem of Other People A personal account of stalking, bystander reactions, unwanted interventions and keeping records.
• Stalking, Social Networks and Smear Campaigns How shared friendships and professional contacts become entangled with allegations and unwanted contact.
• Stalking, Manipulation and the Two Kinds of Lie Changing demands, promises to stop, distorted truths and entirely fabricated accusations.
• When Stalking Begins: Before the Target Recognises It The difference between the start of intrusive behaviour and the moment it becomes visible to the target.
• What Does a Stalker Want? Responses, Boundaries and Their Limits Clever replies, the imagined relationship, public responses and the limits of no contact.