It appears that some “members” of the “fetish community” (I’m assuming there is such a thing) have taken a bit of an exception to my work in treating sexual fetishes and unwanted sexual attraction.
Here’s one comment: ‘Fetish does not need to be “treated”. It is healthy and wonderful. I am completely against what you are doing.‘
See my much longer article on Fetishes: “Sexual fetishes and what I learned about them as a treating psychotherapist.”
And another, ‘Instead of helping the world “embrace diversity”, you choose to treat individuality and personal preference as a disease.’
Fair enough, and I understand their perspective. After all, it wasn’t too long ago that homosexuality was illegal and then a disease to be treated. Clinically and socially, any form of fetish was viewed as a weird kink, demarcating the fetishist as some kind of deviant and social outcast.
However, the fetishists that have written to me seem to have a remarkable level of naivety. Whilst there are individuals who are lucky enough to be able to embrace their fetish and their diversity, there are equal numbers who are not so lucky.
There are two main reasons for this:
- The person’s social and cultural background does not allow for such deviance, and embracing such risks serious social ostracism, family conflict, employment difficulties, relationship difficulties, and so on; and
- The nature of the fetish itself brings great distress and/or is illegal, involves non-consenting partners/animals/property (technically making it a “paraphilia”), and presents significant logistical and psychological impracticalities.
The response to this situation from a couple of fetishists from “the community” takes the form of, “Well, fuck it, they should be empowered to be free and do what they want, and it is a therapist’s job to enable them to be able to do that.“
Again, this is a remarkably naive viewpoint and an interesting case of measuring how other people should live by comparing them to one’s own standards. It also removes choice from the client who does not want their fetish and wants to retain all their normal family ties and relationships.
So my response to the fetish community is this: I agree that choice is important, but you do not get to choose whether everyone embraces their fetish and rejects convention. It is important to remember that some people don’t want this and instead want the ability to choose to reject their fetish and embrace convention, despite what you might believe to the contrary.
Very, very true.
An overwhelming amount of people seem to believe that any form of “fetish” is okay. They don’t understand what paraphilia is – there’s a big difference. A kink that you enjoy, that is part of your sex life, that doesn’t hurt you or anyone else and is completely under your control definitely should not be demonized and pathologized. This is not the experience of many people with severe paraphilia. For some, the “fetish” is actually disgusting, destructive, and in many causes, deeply compulsive. It can take over and destroy your whole life – much like a gambling addiction. It can cause you physical injuries, psychological illness, legal problems, not to mention it can also make any form of relationship impossible.
Suggesting that anyone “embrace” this sort of thing is practically the textbook definition of perversion. It doesn’t matter what it is, or if you personally think it “harmless.” You don’t live with it. People with this disease have every right to want to be cured, and brushing it off based on your own preferences or attacking people who are trying to help is a bit like screwing for virginity. Just stop it.