NLP | Neurolinguistic Programming

Introduction to F.O.G. in Parenting

F.O.G., standing for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, is a concept from Susan Forward and Donna Frazier’s book “Emotional Blackmail,” describing emotional tactics parents might use to influence their children’s behavior. This post explores how these tactics manifest and their potential impacts, aiming for a balanced view that acknowledges the complexity of parent-child dynamics.
How Parents Use F.O.G.
  • Fear: Parents may use fear by threatening consequences, like saying, “If you don’t behave, I’ll leave you alone,” to ensure compliance.
  • Obligation: This involves making children feel they owe their parents, such as, “You owe me for all I’ve done for you,” creating a sense of duty.
  • Guilt: Parents might say, “You’re breaking my heart by not spending time with me,” making children feel responsible for parental emotions.
Research, like a 2009 study by Rakow et al. (The Relation of Parental Guilt Induction to Child Internalizing Problems When a Caregiver Has a History of Depression), shows these tactics can significantly affect children, particularly in families with parental depression history.

Impacts on Children

The use of F.O.G. can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, with children potentially developing trust issues or becoming overly compliant. A 2019 study by Romm et al. (Parental psychological control and adolescent problematic outcomes: A multidimensional approach) links such control to adolescent issues, highlighting long-term mental health risks.

Background and Definition

F.O.G. was popularized by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their 1997 book, “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You” (Emotional Blackmail Quotes by Susan Forward). They describe it as a set of emotional manipulation tactics where individuals, including parents, use fear, obligation, and guilt to control others. This is particularly relevant in parent-child dynamics, where power imbalances can exacerbate manipulative behaviors.
The components are defined as follows:
  • Fear: Involves threats or intimidation to ensure compliance, such as warnings of punishment or abandonment.
  • Obligation: Creates a sense of duty, making children feel they must meet parental expectations due to familial responsibility.
  • Guilt: Induces feelings of responsibility for parental emotions, often through statements implying the child’s actions cause harm or disappointment.

Methodology of Research

Fear: The Weapon of Intimidation
Fear-based parenting involves using threats to control behavior, often rooted in the parent’s anxiety about safety or outcomes.

Examples include:
  • A parent forbidding playground activities, saying, “You’ll fall and get hurt,” as noted in a 2022 Psych Central article (Fear-Based Parenting: Consequences and How to Avoid It).
  • Threatening, “If you don’t finish your homework, I’ll take away your video games forever,” creating immediate compliance through fear.
Research, such as a 2019 Springer article (A Longitudinal Study on the Relations Among Fear-Enhancing Parenting, Cognitive Biases, and Anxiety Symptoms in Non-clinical Children), shows maternal verbal feedback encouraging threat-related information search can increase children’s fear, supporting intergenerational transmission of cognitive biases. Another study from PMC (Chronic harsh parenting and anxiety associations with fear circuitry function in healthy adolescents: A preliminary study) links harsh parenting to altered fear processing, with long-term anxiety implications.
Study
Findings
Implications
Springer 2019
Maternal feedback increases children’s fear via confirmation bias
Highlights role in anxiety development
PMC 2019
Harsh parenting alters fear circuitry, linked to anxiety
Suggests neural mechanisms for future psychopathology
Obligation: The Sense of Duty
Obligation manipulates by instilling a sense of duty, often framed as familial responsibility.
Examples include:
  • “You owe me for all I’ve done for you,” creating a debt narrative.
  • “It’s your responsibility to take care of me in my old age,” imposing future obligations.
A 2019 study by Romm et al. (Parental psychological control and adolescent problematic outcomes: A multidimensional approach) found parental psychological control, including obligation, correlates with adolescent depression and anxiety. Walling et al. (2007) (Parenting cognitions associated with the use of psychological control) noted parents using obligation often hold beliefs justifying such control, potentially leading to children feeling trapped.
Study
Findings
Implications
Romm et al. 2019
Obligation linked to adolescent depression, anxiety
Indicates long-term mental health risks
Walling et al. 2007
Parents justify obligation through specific cognitions
Suggests need for cognitive intervention
Guilt: The Emotional Lever
Guilt induction involves making children feel responsible for parental emotions, often through statements like, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or “You’re breaking my heart by not spending time with me.” This can lead to compliance to alleviate guilt.
Rakow et al. (2009) (The Relation of Parental Guilt Induction to Child Internalizing Problems When a Caregiver Has a History of Depression) found guilt induction positively relates to child internalizing problems, with a significant association (B = .14, p < .05) in families with depressed caregivers. Donatelli et al. (2007) noted higher guilt induction in depressed parents, linking it to internalizing issues, with 31% of children in the clinical range for internalizing problems compared to 10% in normative samples.
Study
Findings
Implications
Rakow et al. 2009
Guilt induction linked to internalizing problems (B = .14, p < .05)
Highlights mental health impact in depressed families
Donatelli et al. 2007
More common in depressed parents, linked to internalizing issues
Suggests targeted interventions for at-risk families

Impacts on Children

The use of F.O.G. can have profound effects, including:
Zahn-Waxler and Kochansk (1988) (The origins of guilt) suggested children feeling responsible for parental emotions may develop internalizing problems, reinforcing the long-term impact.

Unexpected Insight: Intergenerational Transmission

An unexpected finding is the intergenerational transmission of F.O.G. behaviors, where children of manipulative parents may adopt similar tactics, perpetuating cycles. This is supported by McCullough et al. (2014) (Intergenerational continuity of risky parenting: A person-oriented approach to assessing parenting behaviors), noting continuity in parenting styles, which adds a layer of complexity to breaking these patterns.

Conclusion and Implications

F.O.G. represents a significant challenge in parent-child relationships, with research suggesting substantial impacts on children’s mental health. Parents are encouraged to reflect on these practices, considering alternatives like empathy and mutual respect, as suggested in a 2022 Generation Mindful article (Breaking The Cycles Of Fear-Based Parenting). This approach can foster healthier dynamics, reducing the risk of long-term harm.
Key Citations

Author: Andrew T. Austin

Andrew T. Austin is formerly an NLP master practitioner, clinical hypnotherapist, and a nurse with a background in accident and emergency (A&E) and neurosurgery. He is the developer of Metaphors of Movement and Integral Eye Movement Therapy. #NLP #neurolinguisticprogramming #hypnotherapy